The emotion we often avoid…….Grief

Following on from the past reflection “Challenging emotions“, I would like to reflect on the emotion of grief.  Grief in the physical world, and predominately the western culture is something that many strive to avoid.  Consciously or unconsciously, even when we are in the mist of loss, we often seek ways to avoid, move through quicker and get out of the grief state.

In general, males and females will often use different strategies to assist.  Both will find a point of seeking solitude and may journal.  Females are more likely to seek group support and express feelings, where males are more likely to use sport as an active expression, mateship and humour. (Doka and Davidson, 1998)

After I experienced many losses in 2006-7, I found myself being overly organised to cope.  My way of processing was to use the tools and beliefs I had, such as meditation, yoga, connection to guides and angels, intuition, prayer, energy work and then to study grief counselling to understand the process.  Yes, there are stages of denial, anger, sadness, depression and acceptance (Kubler-Ross, 1969).  However, depending on the individual it can jump around from one stage to another.  It also depends if the grief is complicated by avoidance, prolonged, delayed, masked or repressed; or complex in the case of suicide, sudden death, or natural/made disasters etc.  From my own experience other emotions can be present, such as guilt, forgiveness and feeling disconnected.

Assessing your grief can come from understanding the context, your coping style, any physical issue, your support systems, spiritual or religion beliefs, and cultural factors.  All can affect grief in both a positive and negative way, and noticing your non-verbal behaviour can be key to understand how you are coping. (Cook and Dworkin, 1992) Everyone will experience some form of loss during their lifetime.  From relationships to physical changes, jobs to financial, freedom to self-esteem, family home to status, losses can take on many forms.  Change is inevitable. As we grieve and accept, work through the pain, adjust to the loss, emotionally adjust and begin creating anew, (Worden, 2003) there are many moments of reflection.

Yesterday, I was getting ready to work with a client in a distance assistance session, and these words came to me: “What if grief had a spiritual purpose? Spiritual purposes can often be paradoxical – what is big is small, what is small is big….. What if grief was a way to crack the shell, and open the heart even more.  A way to allow the authentic self through. When we are in grief and hurt, the lung and large intestine are affected, when we are stuck we cry, feel numb, groan, feel frustrated, shout, feel not enough, laugh but don’t feel connected, we feel unauthentic, worry, depressed, pray without feeling connected, try too hard and then begin to grief again in what seems a never ending cycle. What if we could break the pattern, what if we surrendered to our grief and hurts, and found the joy within, trusting, meditated, took action, and felt better.  If the key is surrender, we need to allow the space. The challenge is when we surrender we fear falling into an inert state, and it is through our agitation that we don’t remain there and return to balance.  Our energies naturally wish to balance.”

If you are struggling with grief, you are not alone.  Seek the support you need, follow what is right for you.  It maybe from friends, family, agencies like Lifeline, or professionals that you find your support. If I can assist you, please contact me.  I work holistically, looking for where there is connection and disconnection between your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.  I offer tools which will assist in finding your balance.  I believe everything has a purpose, and life is a lesson.  Learn your lessons and you find your balance.  Often you find more then you thought you could, you find your authentic self.

Other Reflections:  Letting go ; After a Death; Challenging change, loss